I met a guy yesterday. It was random, accidental and totally the best thing that could have happened to me there. He's awkward, shy, silly and really adorable. He doesn't seem very confident of himself and I guess that's why I found him so endearing. It's hard to meet guys nowadays who aren't so cocky and full of themselves or their ability to pick up girls. We talked for abit and I found myself really feeling comfortable in the conversation, like I could relax and just say whatever I wanted to say. Like I knew him and we had been friends forever. Only I didn't know him and we had only just met less than 10minutes ago. He asked if I had skype. And then he covered his mouth and his eyes opened real big, like he was holding his breath. It was so cute. I didn't keep him in suspense, I said yes and gave it to him. He visibly let out his breath but tried to keep it cool for abit and then asked if I go on often and if we could chat on there next time. And then i could see he was holding his breath again. It was like he didn't think I wanted to talk to him. Like i wouldn't want to talk to him or see him again. I was kinda stunned. I really liked him. I didn't expect to but I really liked him. I wanted to talk to him again. I wanted to see him and his awkward smile and adorable pauses and nervous stutter, again. And then it dawned on me. I think it's the most shocking and unexpected thing ever to realise you never knew your own likes until that moment. I liked his awkwardness, his intelligence, how nervous and shy he gets as well as his lack of confidence. I always say i love it when a guy is confident and is sociable and makes the first move but when i think back now, I realise that that's the reason I've never wanted a relationship with those guys. Everything I thought i liked about them turned me away from taking a step towards a real relationship. Because deep down, I'm vulnerable, I'm insecure, I'm scared. I'm not the sociable girl I seem to be. I'm not the confident, spontaneous girl people think I am. I'm shy and I'm a control freak. I don't want to let go and let someone else take charge least they break my heart. Sitting here typing this now I'm crying. I'm actually crying. I didn't think I would, I thought it was another post but somehow writing this i realise how much I've kept bottled inside and how much of myself I haven't shared with anyone. And it's lonely. It gets lonely inside this shell I've built around my heart and maybe it's stupid and it's crazy but it seems I might have found someone who I might let through. Whom i might invite in. I say it's crazy because I've never met him in person. I say it's stupid because he's 15 hours behind me in time zone. But those can be overcome. One of us could stay up late on weekends, or we could email each other (yes he actually asked for us to email each other on weekdays. I felt myself melt at that. I wasn't expecting that at all). We could skype and the never having met each other in person issue would be redundant but all that in the face of this one fact makes me want to grab onto my heart and flee before i begin to feel too much. He lives on the other side of the world and if I fell, I wouldn't be able to feel his arms around me or even survive each day without seeing his face. What do i do now?